Premonitions
by Mara Sevvie
Summary: Sometimes, people sense that something will go wrong without ever getting a warning. Lily Potter writes to Minerva McGonagall on the day before Halloween in 1981, not fully realizing it will be her last letter.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. It belongs to someone with a lot more writng skill and money.

A/N: A rather angst-ridden tale, surprisingly. I don't usually write total angst, but it seems to be plaguing me with a lot of plot bunnies lately. I will probably write a couple more chapters to this, seeing as it really could do with some reaction time.

**Premonitions**

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_October 30, 1981_

_Dear Minerva,_

_It seems a waste of time to continually begin with mostly-useless pleasantries, as I have done in my previous letters. I've been writing to you so often and so much these past months that I find it difficult not to pick right up where I left off the last time._

_I can't explain the strange sort of premonitions I've been facing lately. They are all dreary and worrying, but some stand out more than the others. One that bothers me the most is that I'm ever more afraid, as each day passes, that Harry will live on without either me or James to take care of him. James is so incredibly optimistic about or future, but my mind is forever uneasy now._

_Another 'premonition' I have felt lately is that, in the event of our passing, Albus might attempt to place Harry with Petunia. Again, I can't even begin to explain why I feel this way. There's no logical reason for such a move. Still, I believe it's prevalent to at least mention my dislike of the idea. You will have to show this to the Headmaster if something does happen to leave Harry an orphan. If anyone has to take Harry in, it should never be Petunia. I grant you, it shouldn't be Sirius either. I love him dearly, but he's still so incredibly impetuous and reckless. When we named him as Harry's godfather, I really didn't think he'd ever be placed in a position where he would actually be parenting. It was really more of an accolade._

_Remus would be an excellent choice as a surrogate guardian, but his transformations make it nearly impossible. If Harry wasn't so young, though, I think it would work out all right in the end. As long as Remus found the confidence to be a parent, that is. _

_But Harry isn't older. Maybe that's what bothers me the most. He's too small to be left with someone who doesn't love him or someone who isn't always reliable._

_That brings me to the most important reason I'm sending you this letter._

_Today, I came to some conclusions based on simple logic. Wouldn't Severus be proud of me?_

_There is no way around it. Petunia has grown so far from the sister I used to love, that I can't even call her that anymore. Perhaps it shouldn't surprise me. She has always wanted to be something different than what she was. No matter how much she has, she will never be satisfied. And she only has herself to blame for that. Oh, some blame could be applied to our parents for allowing that mindset to go unchecked. Mostly my mother, I suppose. She doted on Petunia. They were so much alike, you see; never happy with what they had been blessed with._

_Mother tried to hide her worries, her fears, her unhappiness. She tried so hard and yet I could always see it there, simmering unpleasantly just beneath the surface of her calm front. She tried to appear pleased for me when I received my Hogwarts letter, but even then I could feel her fear creeping in. I was strange to her, mysterious and frightening. When she died, I almost felt happy for her because then she wouldn't have to hide anymore._

_Dad was different. He faced everything with a smile, as if he were impenetrable. That may seem like that same thing; just hiding everything beneath a different type of mask. It's always hard to express the differences in my parents. People tend to say that they both lied, in their own way. But I never felt like my dad was lying. It always seemed to me that he smiled because he was reassuring me. And it was a reassurance, not that he had no fears or unhappiness, but that he would not let them get him down. Even when he was dying._

_It's so strange, but I honestly don't remember my mother ever reassuring me. Dad was my champion in that department, up until Hogwarts. Not that he stopped when I came to the school, but being away from him for ten months out of the year limited the amount of things he could reassure me about. He knew next-to-nothing about the new world I became immersed in. Once the war started encroaching on us more closely, he knew even less. Throughout all of that time I had little reassurance from Dad, but I gained someone new to reassure me._

_It was you. You were there from the first step I took into my magical new world and you have been there for me ever since. Up until I married James, I can't think of a single hiccup in my life that wasn't patched up by either my father's gentle love or your calm understanding. The way you treated that wide-eyed little girl from Spinner's End has convinced me that the truest mother I've ever had has been you._

_It's that very conclusion that has led me to the choice I now make. If anyone, anyone at all, should care for my son, I want it to be you. It's asking a lot, I realize, but I've talked with James about this. As much as he loves Sirius, he knows I'm right. (Of course, it helped immensely that both Remus and Sirius agreed with me.)_

_Please, Minerva, take care of my son if anything happens to me and James. I trust you more than I can say._

_I have so much that I would love to tell you. So many things I want to say. It seems that there are always so many things to say and do when we have the least time to say or do them._

_If you have any idea how to contact Severus, will you tell him how much I love him? Tell him that I forgive him for everything and apologize for everything. Nothing was ever meant to go right for the two of us, I suppose. Help him if you can, in whatever way you can. At times, he does need a few solid whacks about the head to make him see sense. Don't be afraid to do that occasionally. Try to feel sorry for him once in a while and try to see him as the troubled boy I remember. Perhaps that's all he will ever be, in truth. A boy trying to prove he can be good, when few will ever believe him._

_Forgive me my morbid outlook. I can't escape the feeling of dread that coils tighter in my stomach each time we lay our heads down to sleep._

_I can only hope Voldemort is dispatched soon. If fate is kind, perhaps my fears will be meaningless and I will tell you and Severus these things face-to-face. Then this letter will be no more than a forgotten scrap by which we will remember the dreadful, fearful effects of war._

_All my love,  
Lily_

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A/N: Please review!


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